You know what? I’m suddenly pissed OFF. This is bullshit. Life, you are bullshit. This is utterly selfish, but god I wish life could just be all the happy things, the emotionally significant things. I know life is everything, all of it, I know you can’t pick and choose and have good things without bad things and sometimes horrendously boring neutral things, those little moments where you’re waiting for a train or calling someone and waiting for them to pick up the phone or when you need to do those awfully mundane things like fuckin brush your teeth or put on your bloody deodorant and lock and unlock the damn door. I know life has to come with all those moments too but it would be really fantastic if I could just fast forward to the good shit. Or the bad shit. Just the shit that makes me FEEL … SOMETHING. With some kind of emotional salience. I dunno. It’s stupid.
I guess I’m frustrated because I have so much fucking love to give. And it’s like, just so unnatural holding it all back inside, having to be somewhat emotionally cautious to the world right now. It’s both because local people here are either emotionally detached, hostile, or altogether too interested. And I’m not yet close enough to my new friends (read: I adore them, but time is still a very important and rather underrated factor in friendship) to shower them with unrestrained affection. Fuck I just really want to fucking squeeze the shit out of my friends and find a huge bed, the kind that Saudi Arabian oil sheikhs own and probably have orgies on, just grab all of my damn mates and sit them the fuck down on the bed and have a huge chill out/platonic cuddle sesh and have them play their fave music and just talk shit all day. Knowing my ridiculous ass rowdy ass mates, by the end of it they’ll probably have broken some furniture and someone will walk away with a bruise. But then there’s life, and distance, and you know, having a career and making money for the FUTURE, so we need to be precious with our time, and work around ‘Work’. In a lot of ways we are living for the future.
And I get all of that. It’s important. I want my life to be a really good balance of doing things that is going to contribute to my growth as a human being and global citizen and do things that are healthy for me and also have enough time to waste time, because there is a time and place for time-wasting. I’m constantly cultivating myself so I become better, so I don’t fuck Future Jess up too badly. So I gotta make sacrifices, I gotta move against what’s innately natural or intuitive for me sometimes, I gotta fight against my deepest impulses, even though those impulses might be inherently good. And this is what hurts the most. Holy fucking hell, the amount of feelings that I’ve had to fucking repress sometimes and I feel like right now, on this Friday at 2:03am, I am sick of repressing everything. It’s not repression, I know I need to just feel these feelings and be along for the ride but I’m also learning that it’s alfuckinright to not be bloody oKAY with everything I’m feeling too, lately I keep fuckin FORCING MYSELF to ACCEPT things and be a mature person and yeah that’s all true, I usually wake up the next day and I turn my music on and I feel really, truly fine, like yesterday’s emotions are behind me, but tonight I feel like I just need a release. To admit how I really feel without fuckin’ berating myself about it and trying to redirect it. Crap, maybe it’s because I haven’t exercised in a while.
I think I can’t live, I can’t really be me, if I don’t give my love to someone. It doesn’t have to be to a romantic partner, it can just be my friends, but I need to, like, have an object to throw all my affection at. It makes me so happy to be dedicated to someone or someones, to have someone to adore and who adores that I adore them. I really truly want to just offer myself to my friends and be like yo, dudes, y’all own me, anytime you need me, anything you need me for, I’m here. I want friends to come home to, I want to fuckin ask my friends how their day was, and take care of them, and listen to their fucking feelings and be part of their life and someone who makes their life better, even if it’s only in a tiny way, whatever. I want to SERVE.
And so right now writing all of this down I’ve broken through to the following epiphany. It’s not just that I miss the affection my friends back home give me, I also miss giving them affection, too. I miss loving them. It’s something I did not ever anticipate, knowing that I was effectively going to be cut off from my usual social network. I thought I’d miss them, miss having them by my side, but never considered it’d go the other way.
And fuck me if that isn’t one of the things I realise I now miss so much about a relationship. Holy crap. It was such a joy to me to be so devoted to someone, something I was so proud of, to love someone and belong to them. It was a fucking privilege to belong to them. I felt special being their person. And this whole blog post is inspired by this, I have to admit, because I had a small flash of - I dunno, something akin to annoyance or frustration? - just then where I just fuckin realised that I’m just effectively trying to deny my feelings because I fuckin’ have to. Like, obviously since I didn’t want the relationship to end in the first place (though I accepted it fairly quickly and knew I didn’t want to try to be together anymore) I basically had to redirect my feelings. Because okay, the relationship’s over now, so like, I can’t feel this way about you anymore, so I need to try and, y’know, fall out of love with you. Fuck. So stupid. I literally think this is so stupid. Like, as if I can go around pretending like if I was on my god damn death bed tomorrow and I had two weeks left to live that I wouldn’t be fuckin’ MAD if he didn’t come to my bedside and visit me, and hold my fuckin hand for five minutes or something equally STUPID and dramatic. Because shit, being with you felt really nice, so me leaving those feelings behind is done a little reluctantly if you can understand that, because it was an actively good thing in my life. It’s kinda like I had +10 happy points for a while and now I need to go back to neutral, which is 0, and like, fuck that’s so stupid LOl why would I want that.
That’s the fucking thing too, belonging to someone is so unfuckingcomplicated, you just have one person you gotta focus on and if you’re happy with them then you’re sweet. Now that I’m single, I have to be careful of like, fuckin sexual dynamics and shit, because I’m single so that means, well, whatever it means. That my door is technically not closed off to other people. And that’s a bit annoying in a way because I need to like, unconsciously be aware of how I act, or like, unconsciously watch out for how other people act around me. Just, idk, I’m too fucking lazy for this shit, honestly.
And whenever Jhe reads this he’s going to give me such a hard time about how stupid I’m being, and lecture me as always about how of COURSE IT’S GOING TO TAKE TIME, WILL I JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS SO MUCH, but I think I’m a bit fed up with ‘trying to not think about this and do something better with my time’, and fuck this I’m going to DIVE THE FUCK IN AND INSPECT MY GOD DAMN FEELINGS BC THAT’S WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW HAHAHAHA. And now I’m laughing because I’m being so, so silly, but it’s really liberating writing what I feel because I guess it’s the truth and I’ll wake up tomorrow and know baseline what the truth is and what I need to do and where I’m going and tonight’s small bout of frustration and keyboardsmashing will be last night’s news, and although I know all that, sweet JESUS, there’s no point in denying you’re still sorta fucking special to me, there’s no point in me denying that beneath all of this space and distance and time that I don’t still kind of love you a little bit, and whenever you send me a fucking Snapchat that you send to like all your top friends or whatever I linger on your face and get amused and pissed off in equal parts because of how FUCKING cute you are LMFAO ahahahahaha. You know what else I’m pissed off about? How much fucking CONTENT you get. You get to read my Twitter and my Snapchat and my god damn blog and I’m producing content for you like a damn machine, but I’m not going to stop either bc I know that’s not me. Still though. I feel like you have so many fuckin’ avenues to know exactly how I fucking feel, but I get nothing from you. You are this huge fucking enigma, this gaping void through which nothing escapes save a few snapchats of you in a koala filter or your ‘sneaky’ soft drinks or some random messages. You are this void through which I know nothing of save what other people tell me, if I bother asking, or they bother mentioning.
So that’s it then. That’s the end of this little episode of Jess’s blog. Some of my friends will read it, some won’t, you’ll all think I’m DEFINITELY way too fucking emotional, and why won’t she just calm the fuck down and go like, outside, and enjoy herself? Because that’s what you think exchange is like, go have fun 24/7 and stop thinking about who and what’s home and enjoy yourself. Don’t stop to think, don’t reflect (unless it’s lovely happy things that won’t make other people uncomfortable to hear), don’t slow down. Go have wild experiences. Don’t linger on thoughts back home. I’m not lingering. But I’m done trying to be emotionally rational about absolutely everything, all the time.