Breakups are fuckin weird. You know?? Like, you're not only trying to distance yourself from a person but you're divorcing the side of your own self that loves them. And so you're kind of denying your own feelings - "no, you need to stop loving them, you need to stop caring" - and if not that then it's like a "ok you still love and care for them but the general trajectory is a decline, you can't be invested in them the same way you were before". And so that side of you gets lost, and you're kind of torn in two and you don't know which one you are - are you this person that's ok without them or this person who loves them still, or remembers how sweet loving them was? And of course logically you know you're somewhere in between - you're caught in the middle of who you were and who you'll be in the future but right now it's still kind of confusing and you fluctuate back and forth like a wave but you just have to trust you're going in the better direction. And the feelings change as you move through different stages and it's not so much upsetting anymore like it used to be but its just a little confusing sometimes because you feel things and you're not sure how to feel about THAT. I've been told that I think in binary terms so that's why I'm catching myself on it - trying to be A-OK all the time obviously isn't ideal so this is me being not all white all the time, just being as honest to myself as I can. I've been avoiding talking to him lately (even tho I've been very open and always responsive if he talks to me) because I don't trust myself yet - I'm not yet stable enough to be steadily talking to him without a) falling back to old ways or more dangerously b) wanting to fall back to old ways, or desiring him/the relationship again, etc. Some moments of clarity are clearer than others - when I think about the stuff he likes and wants and I'm always going to support him and his dreams as fiercely as I would if I were dating him but I know that's not what I want and that knowledge, or being reminded of it, does help. But other times if I'm like randomly missing him or whatever and it's kinda like god daaammn if he was in front of me right now id be all over it. And I know I'm still attracted to him but at the same time I'm happy bc I know I'm so at peace with it now - I know I can be missing him attracted to him etc but be. Ok. And. Happy. At. The. Same. Time. and god that's such a good feeling. And another thing that's strange is being emotionally estranged from him. And I guess that comes part and parcel with untangling yourself emotionally from someone - I can't keep keeping up with how he is, we can't do this together anymore, it's not "me and him" anymore, we can't talk about HOW WE FEEL about THIS of all things. I've got to be me and he's got to be him and we can't be matching pace anymore, we've got to let each other go because there - is - no - "we" - and that's hard. Like I mean I'm getting used to it but I guess I'm just having a moment when I realise it's difficult to kick a 2-year long habit. And God it's so lucky I'm away for a year bc this'll give us a real chance to get over each other and not be in each other's faces and learn to deal with things our own way. Relationships are taxing AS FUCK and right now I'm just sitting back and marvelling at this and how much sleep people lose over LOVE and how WORTH IT it makes life, and I'm so glad I have that about me, that I have enough perspective to know that even heartache itself is so valuable and precious. Because no matter what happens I will die knowing I loved someone as much as I can and it was the I want to sleep next to you every fuckin night spend a copious amount of my spare moments in ur arms or holding ur hand or some corny ass shit with u kind of love. And TRULY I just - I know he and I were kind of soulmates. Kind of. Obviously not true soulmates - we are so different - but that shit was so real I feel it RIGHT NOW typing this, I remember just how fucking powerfully I felt about him. In my letter to him I told him he was the brightest star in my sky and gosh I'm a loser aren't I, but how marvellous that love exists and it's real and I tasted it for myself. And that's a point in and of itself, isn't it? Who in this god damn universe can explain why one person attracts us more than another, why some people have more gravitational force for US than others, and vice versa? No wonder the concept of Cupid exists because there's no rhyme or reason to ANYTHING that's real and what's more real for us than relationships, than human connection? Why else are we on this earth other than purely to enjoy each other's company for the sake of itself??