23, Sydney AU


I'm trying so hard to convince myself of so many things that I'm afraid of losing grip on who I am. Somehow I am afraid of being truly honest with myself. I actually mentioned this a billion years ago on my blog (some time when the dinosaurs walked the earth), but I don't trust myself. How do I dare trust myself? When I seem to be messing up so much of the time?

What good are the classes I'm taking if I'm not putting them to use? I'm supposed to be growing faster than this. Aren't I? There I go again, asking no one in particular a question no one has the answer to. I keep assuming that answers are outside of myself, that if I ask enough people, they'll assure me of what I think is true, what my 'instincts' tell me is true.

Now more than ever I need to pray. And to be honest with myself. Not in the cliche way, not in the "just be honest with yourself honey" way, but to confront myself. Find out exactly what it is I'm confronting. And to let out everything I've been feeling for the last day or so.

I'm so scared. But it's an indulgent fear. I have nothing to be scared about - I am warm, in my bed, on my laptop, with my family and friends who are alive and healthy and happy and well. There is nothing truly stopping any of us from breaking the limits of what we thought was the best version of ourselves. Things could be a little better but I certainly have nothing to complain about. I have people who exist and who love me even though I'm silly more often than not. I am frightened, but it is like my fear of heights. I'm harnessed and completely safe and I know this, but my instincts don't; all I can see is that I'm up high, away from the ground. All I know is vertigo.

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13.10.14 with 0 comments
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