23, Sydney AU


mailtojessicayun@gmail.com

It takes a certain kind of bravery to blog after you receive your examination results.

I'd imagine most people who weren't happy with what they got want to shy away from any form of self-reflection. Hold off their fears and feelings, any more expectations or disappointments until the next day, the Final day, when their solid and unmovable ATAR comes out. After that, I feel almost everyone will release a sigh of relief; for there is no more waiting. No more bated breaths, no more little candles of hope, no more tiresome debates between your peers about what you think you'll get or what they think you'll get or what you think they'll get. No more quiet, silent moments of internal contemplations as to how you feel about this. Thinking about how far the difference falls when you compare what you want to what you expect.

No more room for hope.

Once the text is opened and you are not happy - not happy at all, it feels as though the results have, in all it's unabashed, clean-cut glory, sucked the life force out of you. Leaving the bed is no longer an option; not for a while, anyway.

I would compare this feeling less with a breakup and more with what I imagine it would feel like when you discover you are about to be sentenced to death. You can fight a breakup; the feelings, the tears, the 'wishing things could be different' - you could embrace that, to some extent. You are allowed to submerge yourself in distractions while the reality falls to the side, perhaps no longer relevant. With this? There is no choice, not even a chance. You can't hide from everyone; at least breakups allow you that luxury. Parents, teachers and friends will wonder how you do, and they will console you unthinkingly, automatically, unfeelingly. And you cannot blame them, because they are rightfully occupied with their own results to think too much about yours.

You know nothing can be done now. You are now playing life's subject, waiting for the next fateful card it deals you.

P.S. Worry not; preparations for indefinite house arrest have begun.

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14.12.11 with 1 comments
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