I love you very much. There can be no words to tell you how I could simply not survive had you both suddenly disappear one day. I love you, mum, even though I get into fighting matches with you and I complain about you and you don't do things the way me and papi want you to. I love you, Daddy, when you drove me to school all those times, I love you for being the kind of father that is so clever and thoughtful and philosophical in your own right, I love you even though half the time I am sort of scared shitless of you.
I love you both so, so much, and although I really don't want to turn this into a sob piece, sometimes I wish I could help you. It seems right now that all I can do for you is bring you warm water when I hear you cough at night, and always say 'love you' at the end of every phone call with you, and return your kisses and hugs - in papi's case - and give them, in mummy's case. Because I know mummy isn't the really phyiscally affectionate sort of parent, but you are the kind of utterly, totally, completetely and unequivocally selfless parent who always puts those you love first. Mummy, your hugs aren't as tight as I'd like, so I hug you even tighter. Mummy, you don't kiss me on the cheek, so that's why I always kiss yours. Mother, I call you mother when I make sarcastic comments, like when you act all see lai and stuff and then you say 'excuse me'.
Mummy, I know I'm not fair to you 70% of the time, and for some reason I thrive on pointless bantering with you. But I love you so MUCH I'm not sure I can really handle it in my current state. Because it's 3:05 AM, again, and I'm in my bed, whose sheets you changed, typing this on my Mac, which you came with me to buy, and typing this hurriedly because I have to go get my hair done again tomorrow, which you gave me money for. Everyone thinks their mother is the best, and you aren't the BEST mother. But I love you even more for being you, because I know you try, and I know we hurt you, but it means so, so much to me that you are unquestionably strong the very next day. I want to be better for you, mum, I want you to be proud of me. I want you to have a good reason to love me, not just 'love me anyway'.
Daddy, you are incredible. I love when you sometimes come home with a little surprise, like shopping, or something, and I look at it and I tell you something about it that you didn't know, and you get that surprised, pleased look on your face and I just love it. Like that time you brought home a shiny new salt grinder and I looked at it and it was a Peugeot salt-grinder, I didn't even know they made freaking salt grinders, then I looked at the price tag still attached to it and it was more than sixty dollars, and I called you silly, but you said it was good quality, and mother, you know, agrees with you, like she usually does. And I love when you actually consider my opinion, because I feel like you respect me and what I think and that my opinion matters and our relationship is not one of those heirarchical Father = Authority Figure, Daughter = Listen to Whatever Father Says relationship, but we are friends and we can laugh with each other and annoy everyone else in the process, like at graduation dinner, when my friends told me that we looked close and that made me happy.
But it didn't make me happy when I went home and you got angry because you found out that I had been hiding my report from you, because I didn't want you to see how I didn't try, and I didn't want you to be disappointed in me, and that's what I'm REALLY worried about. I get frightened that you won't love me the same if I do something, and I don't ever want that period in year ten to ever happen ever, ever ever again, where you didn't really talk to me for months or something because I think you'd given up on me for a while there, and I remember reading back my old blog entries from that period and I really seemed like I HATED being home. Sometimes it feels like I'm a completely different person around you and my friends, because of the whole role thing - I'm a friend to my friends but a daughter to you - but around you, daddy, you are a such a dorky kid that I really can just treat you like a friend.
Thankyou, mummy, and thankyou, daddy. For loving me, the flawed child that I am. For being proud of me, when so many days I feel like you really have nothing to be proud about, because I'm lazy and I don't study hard and I let you both down so often. But you make me want to change. I want to be better, mum and dad, for you both, because you DESERVE a daughter that tries hard every single day, and I'm going to pray for the strength to do that. I don't even know if I CAN do that, because I know me, and I'm all talk and I think things and I want to do things but half the time they don't carry out, and I disappoint myself. But lately, my friends like Sunny and William and Qin and Lynn and Wangays and Terry and Anna and my darling, DARLING atesum♥ have all made me decide to push myself, because I want you guys to be proud of me. Because most of the time I do shit so I can have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm up to par with you guys, like I really, really do belong and deserve to be with a bunch of such brilliant people who ARE hard working and CAN be bothered and are all the wonderful things that I'm not. Who tell me they think I'm fine just the way I am, who I am ALWAYS willing to swallow my pride for because they. are. worth. it.
You guys are the ones who matter. I'm not sorry for the word vomit. It's 3:19 now and I think I really needed this ridiculous emotional outpour haha. I want to not regret this later.