The moment I was in Jamie's car and we were manically rushing to RPA, ripping through the yellow lights that threatened to turn to red any second.. I prayed. Of course I did. I prayed, and told God, whom I'd been doubting, that I was His - completely, utterly, 100 percent utterly in His hands. I told him right now, I needed him to take care of Willow with all of His strength - I needed him in that moment. Not, I realised, because I needed Him to PROVE Himself to me, but because I had already utterly decided to trust in Him. In that moment in the car, in the silence, save for Jamie's almost obnoxiously loud engine at times, I had given myself to Him. I trusted him, I NEEDED him to save William.
And then I thought - how interesting that one tends to call to Him so passionately in times of need, and quite possibly feel guilty later on for not needing Him so much when our lives are fine and we don't need help. We, as a species, have become so self-sufficient that it seems we only consider a divine spirit when there is a situation that is out of our hands. And it is interesting, to those who listen, that he answers the prayers in his own way.
I guess I never told this story before because I myself was aware that there were far too many ways to write it off. But, in year nine when I went to RICE (back in the days when I would go to RICE hahaha), before I left, I DISTINCTLY remember sitting on the edge of my parent's bed, facing the mirror, with a coin in my hand. 20c, if I remember correctly? And I think I said, out loud, "God, I know this so bad to ask you this way, but give me a sign you are here. Give me a sign you exist." The side I had in mind was, of course, heads - and it landed heads.
That in itself was not SO much of a big deal. I decided on a whim to flip it two more times..
..And they were both heads too!
I remember nodding and smiling to myself.. Realising that God had not only shown me once that he was there - that God had relinquished to my childish, petty little gamble - but he had exceeded what I had initially wanted. He had shown me - almost like he was the voice in my head. "Go on, flip it twice more."
I know this sounds ridiculous. It sounds ridiculous even to myself. I have actually been very hesitant about blogging anything about God, even though I realise in the Bible it's something of a sin in itself; I'm not ashamed of God! I am merely of the belief that religion is a very, very personal subject for EVERYONE. I have always thought that one's relationship with God is a very intimate one, and is very different and specific for everybody: no one has the same relationship with him, etc etc. So I have never been one to 'force it down someone's throat', and by that, I mean write something like this in a public space. Out of respect for all my readers' religion, I don't write about God, because it is their own choice whether or not to believe in any form of God at all.
Since I'm being very raw right now, I feel compelled to confess this also (what is this? Hahaha we all gonna start spilling our secrets now?): It's also about losing readers! I shan't like to have someone click my blog and close it only because they don't agree with my religious view! That would be a little disappointing. But my philosophy has always been to be satisfied so long as I have the love of the people who love me.
After HSC, I plan to learn more about God - on a theological level! It will be difficult, especially since I have no John's classes and my days will be so erratic. But Wangays is already my Bible study buddy, so we have each other ^_^
When I learn about God, it will be for a REASON - not because I want to simply avoid Hell. I hope this post made sense to anyone!
I had no set objective for writing this post.. I just let it all flow out. But I'm still a little guarded when it comes to writing about God, so it'll be very slow, haha. Let me know what you guys think ^_~ Much love! ♥