Okay before I literally lose any inspiration or spark I have left to type this essay for you guys to feast your eyes on, I feel like literally everything I have done today and in the past week has been leading up to this moment. Staring out the train window, thinking, listening to music, listening to people, talking to them, calling them, marvelling at fate, every single conversation, every single moment, learning, LEARNING.
Learning about maths at tutor, and learning about life. And so many conversations are in full swing right now and it just suddenly kind of cracked for me how utterly pressing* this stage in our life is right this moment.
This is the age where one thing matters the most: our friends.
This time I'm seriously not talking all the stuff I usually say, how much I treasure, value my friends who support me and lecture me when I'm down and being an idiot. This time I'm going to instead concentrate on the people who are doing the lecturing and the talking and the spending-time-with. Never before has it been more important in our lives to have - and to choose - the group of friends who will almost literally decide the people we become. Okay, right now you guys are probably thinking Woah, woah, woah, what are you on about. You're saying who I sit next to in Biology/Physics/English/Sex Ed (XD couldn't resist, however serious this post is) decides what job I'm going to get? Yes, and no. I'm saying who you hang out with and what their habits and the way they spend their time will inevitably mould you.
And what better time to make monumental decisions than when the time when studying and developing good habits to the future is critical? To the HSC, to the friends you'll make later in life. It's all so utterly obvious now. All the advice the teachers gave me that I thought I could do without ..I was wrong, clearly. Again. And I thank God a hundred times over that it's not too late for me to realise this.
Lately I've been a lot more determined and conscious about the person I want to be when I become an adult. (Had to avoid using the cliché 'when I grow up', because that will of course imply that I am not already grown-up.. which I'm not, but I digress.) After the past month or so, the cracks have just become that more obvious and going to the library on Tuesday and observing made me really sort of think about the atmosphere and just all this other shit that I don't really know how to express. I hope you guys aren't expecting too much of this post right now, honestly, this is just a post of my thoughts that pretty much run through my head and come and go, so I apologise if I'm incoherent.
I know I never should have expected things to be the same, because as the old saying goes, "change is the only thing which will remain constant". It's so true. The friendship groups (ew, ugly 'teen' cliche again..) I remember since year seven till now so many people have transitioned in and out of my lives but never did it really hit me until now that I can't ever - EVER - think that things will stay the same if I just try to keep them like that. It's just too difficult, really, and realistically, not possible. "If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be." - Qin Lin
I think I really, really really know what I want now. Who I will model as for my "idol's", someone/a group of people I can aspire to be more 'like'. Studious, good to be around, thinking for myself.. I got so much growing up to do, I can't wait. I'm so excited. I wanna be better, do better. I wanna say that I Trust Myself, wholeheartedly.
So, dear friends, I hope it's not time to say goodbye yet. I hope things change, but we change together, grow together, learn together. I've lost the idea I had for the original blog entry but of course it just switched midway.. Which is kind of ironic, isn't it, because that's what I've been trying to say all along!
Just some food for thought. This post is epically disorganised, I know. But the original high had worn off halfway, HAHA. Goodnight.
( pressing* I literally thesaurus.com'd this word.. LOL! Fits, no? :) )