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LOL, get ready for a humorous (but slightly long) reading!

A brief summary of 99% of the people you will ever meet in college....

Intellectual Superhero
Intellectual Superhero is neither an intellectual nor a superhero, but don’t tell him that! The Intellectual Superhero is easily identified by his complete inability to allow a class period to pass by without asking at least 654 questions designed to show how "witty" and "clever" he is. He will attempt to prove the professor wrong in every class with his inane bullshit, regardless of the fact that the professor has a doctorate in the field. If it’s a science course, the Intellectual Superhero will attempt to solve every problem using an alternate method, which is always incorrect. But don’t worry; he’ll still manage to waste 20 minutes of your life with his insane method of solving the problem. At least you’ll get to laugh at him when the professor proves him wrong.

45 Year Old College Student with Two Kids
The 45 Year Old College Student with Two Kids is one of the more interesting personas found in the college classroom. This subject has returned to school in an attempt to better her life, which is a great endeavor. However, there are a few things about this person that will make you want to punch her in the face by the end of the semester. The 45-year-old college student with two kids must write down every word the professor says. This will cause the class to be peppered with calls of "can you repeat that" approximately every 0.23 seconds. Second, she must ask the most obvious questions, preferably ones the professor has already answered. Here’s an example:

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quote:
Professor: So, in 1776 the Declaration of Independence was written.
Old student: Okay, let me make sure I’m writing this down correctly. The Declaration of Independence was written in 1776, right?
Professor: 30 seconds of blank stare followed by: Yes.
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If you are lucky enough to be in a small class where participation is required, you’ll be treated to such delights as "Well I have two kids and I think that [insert obvious statement here]" or "Ever since I’ve had my two kids, [insert fragmented sentence here]." As an added bonus, you’ll get to hear about all of her life experiences as a parole officer and about her last 5 marriages that ended in divorce.

Stupid Ugly Fat Girl
Stupid Ugly Fat Girl feels the need to enter into every single class discussion, completely disregarding the fact that she has nothing of substance to add to the conversation. Stupid Ugly Fat Girl cannot construct a sentence without using the words "like" and "um" at least 12 times for every 2 other words. She always wears clothes that are too tight, and seems partial to gaudy rhinestone shirts with incredibly original phrases such as "Princess" strewn across the front of her sagging cow tits. The only way to actually learn something in a class with the Stupid Ugly Fat Girl is to distract her attention with a shiny object.

Johnny Frat Boy - or - Sally Sorority Chick
While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being in a Greek organization, some people take their involvement in these groups a little too seriously. These are the people who can’t go 2 consecutive days without wearing their shirts from some drinking party they went to last weekend. Johnny Frat Boy likes to brag about how many beers he slammed down on Tuesday night, while Sally Sorority Chick acts as though she is too immaculate to be tarnished by your presence. In either case you shouldn’t worry about these two personality types too much because they only associate with each other. This brings me to another point: when you see these people outside of class, it is perfectly acceptable to run them over with your motor vehicle of choice.

Study Nazi
Study Nazi is in school for one reason: to get good grades. Unfortunately for Study Nazi, he’s not that bright and he struggles with his classes. That doesn’t stop him from letting everyone know how long he studied for that 5 question quiz though. Study Nazi, much like the Intellectual Superhero, will ask questions constantly during class. However, the Intellectual Superhero has some grasp of the material. Study Nazi, while he can quote his books and his notes verbatim, has no idea what any of it means. Under no circumstances should you approach Study Nazi outside of class. Doing so will only remind him that he’s losing valuable time that he could be using in the library and you might get hurt in his frenzied dash to get there as quickly as possible.

Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer
Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer has nothing better to do than study. While the average of the rest of the class is a respectable 45%, Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer has approximately a 1351% in the course, thereby totally destroying any chance you had of passing the class. Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer can be identified by the fact that he will be in the library before you get there and stay far after you've left. He will almost certainly wear the same clothing throughout the entire course, and, while he may be human, it's more likely that he's some kind of magic robot.

Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major
Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major is the reason that you don’t want to go to class. He bathes roughly once every leap year and wears the same "totally awesome" Japanese video game (the import version was so much better) shirt for half a semester at a time. No matter how far away you get from him, the stench seems to travel across the room and assault your nostrils. Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major has no time for the English language, and he will often ask questions that make little to no sense and lack any sort of "grammatical structure." He’s the only character that can actually give Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer a run for his money on the intellectual scale, but that’s only because he was probably born with knowledge of linear algebra and differential equations.

Agenda Assailer
The Agenda Assailer has (surprise!) an agenda to push on everyone else. If you’re in, say, a science class you’ll get to hear about how the scientist who discovered some principle was a racist or misogynist and therefore his scholarly work is somehow meaningless. Even though the rest of the class is just there to learn, the Agenda Assailer will attempt to turn every class into a political debate. Here’s an example from a history class:

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quote:
Professor: Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.
AA: How can you even SAY that?!?!?!?! He owned slaves!!!
Professor: Well, yes. But he still wrote it.
AA: Well then he’s a hypocrite and we should THROW OUT the Declaration of Independence!!!
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The Anime Freak
Anime Freak is somewhat of a rarity outside of computer science and/or Japanese courses. However, you still might encounter one in some humanities cores. The Anime Freak will always be wearing button down shirts with a dragon or some kind of Dragonball Z character on it. Also, anything with Japanese writing on it is always cool in the eyes of Anime Freak, even if it makes absolutely no sense. Do not approach the Anime Freak outside of class, unless you want to run into a situation like this:
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quote:
You: Hey, what’s up?
AF: I think episode 185 of [insert horribly obscure anime show here] is the best because they use the Power of the Light to slay the dragon beast and save the world from total destruction!!!
You: Um… I have to go.
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Major Elitist
No, he’s not in the military! Ha ha! All blatantly bad jokes aside, the Major Elitist is generally some type of science or engineering major who looks down on anyone who might even think about getting a humanities or business degree. After all, we all know that the only thing that’s important is science. All that other mamby-pansy bullshit like "History" or "English" or "the world economy" is just a bunch of feel-good rhetorical nonsense anyway. Besides, any jackass can get a liberal arts degree!

Non-Conformist Conformist
The Non-Conformist Conformist is an interesting species. While he tries to "fight the man," he is unable to do so without conforming to another group. The Non-Conformist Conformist can be easily identified by his Rage Against the Machine or Che Guevara t-shirt and dark green corduroy pants. During the winter he will be wearing a military field coat from Germany with a patch on the side, and he often carries a wallet on a chain. You can identify him in the classroom because he’ll feel the need to share with the class his opinions of pop culture. He’ll use a condescending tone of voice because he’s better than little sheeple like you. That’s all right though because whether it be the punk, goth, or any other subculture, the Non-Conformist Conformist declares boldly, "I choose to not fit in by fitting in with a DIFFERENT group!"

Fashion Monger
Fashion Monger is on the bleeding edge of fashion! While having some nice clothes is something everyone should invest in, Fashion Monger’s entire wardrobe has been purchased from stores so hip that you've never even heard of them. Apparently, it’s "hip" and "with it" to pay 500 dollars for jeans that were hand stitched by the hardworking people of Taiwan. And, as we all know, 50 dollars for a silk-screened t-shirt is a completely reasonable price, as long as it was designed by an gay Italian man. Yes, nothing says, "I have too much money and not enough common sense" quite like buying clothes with fancy designer labels that are marked up 1000%!

The Sociable Slacker
This is the guy who went out of his way to talk to you on the first day. Was really personable, seems like a normal, social person. He even suggested trading phone numbers just in case you needed help. Fast forward to the second week of class - he's not there. Same goes for all the classes until right before the midterm when you get a call. "Hey man, what's up? How's it going? Oh yeah, I missed the last class can I borrow all your notes and photocopy them? Yeah, we should go grab a beer one day." No show again until the final where he calls you up again asking for notes. And that beer? A complete fabrication.

CEO Junior the Third
Born to wealth and privilege and toting an ego the size of Australia, CEO Jr. III will rarely be encountered outside of econ, business and business-related courses (like the lower level computer sciences). Much like the Fashion Monger, CJ3 is fascinated by brand names and drops them wherever possible. However, instead of dropping "real" designer names, he'll brag about the cheap shit he bought from Abercrombie last week. Success is what he's aiming for, and he'll probably get there, but only through his dad’s business connections. Like the Study Nazi, he is not particularly bright, though his particular mode of achieving good grades consists of stroking the professor's ego with appropriate questions and office hours schmoozing. Like the Sociable Slacker he is unfailingly cheerful, but his cheeriness, much like everything else about him, is completely insincere. He is astoundingly successful at getting laid for reasons which are at present unknown to science. It's probably best to avoid crossing him in social circumstances since he can wield his people skills like a weapon.

The Skimmer
The skimmer is easy to identify. He always sits in the back of lecture halls and is usually asleep 10 minutes into class. It is not uncommon to hear The Skimmer brag about how much studying he didn't do for that quiz coming up. The Skimmer is not usually found in higher level courses.

The Scout
The Scout is always in lecture before you. Even if you show up five minutes early. The Scout will use his backpack, notebook, textbook, or anything larger than a piece of paper to cordon off the entire front row for his or her friends, who show up five minutes after the class has already started.

THE PHANTOM
A completely unremarkable student in every way, THE PHANTOM shows up for classes, does the work, and... that's it. You will never see THE PHANTOM outside of class - Existing on his sheepishness and fueled by his silence, even if you live next door to THE PHANTOM you'll never hear a word of him. Sometimes can be combined with Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major for a truly wholesome experience.

Madden Jr.
This student's life revolves around sports. He can quote sports scores, character stats, and just about anything from some obscure game last week. Not only did he watch it, he studied it while his classmates were studying for that quiz he failed. He usually arrives in class approximately 10 minutes late wearing his favorite sports team hat and jacket, only to talk about sports for the entire class. Interestingly, the Madden Jr. rarely, if ever, has any athletic ability of his own, and is often obese due to a diet consisting entirely of nachos.

The Theatre Person
If you have an on-campus theatre group, this person is in it. Not only are they in the group, they're in the upcoming show! Well, they would be in the upcoming show, except the director had NO CLUE how to cast properly. So she's doing sound instead. But you should STILL COME to the show because it'll be awsome, even though Theatre Person should have gotten cast over stupid Becky Leeman. Warning! Theatre People are extremely volatile and do not mix well with other Theatre People.

Mr. Uncertainty
Mr. Uncertainty isn't really that bad a guy to have class with, as he's virtually guaranteed never to disrupt the class proceedings. Even when the teacher asks him a question directly, he'll attempt to deflect it through a magical combination of stuttering, fumbling, and vague sentences that trail off in the middle. He probably doesn't take very good notes, but he's there every day in hopes of making up for the fact. He probably has at least two majors and a third concentration that he's considering, but it's all perpetually up in the air since he doesn't really know what he wants to do. Because of this, you'll almost never see him in an advanced-level class, since he's always going back and satisfying the core requirements for a different major.

Professor Corrector
This student loves to volunteer class time to correct the professors' menial mistakes. Did he say 90% instead of 85%? Was he off an important date by a year? The Corrector will grab this opportunity immediately. Does the textbook back up the professor? Well that's wrong too! The whole world is filled with misinformation, and only this noble lad can spend 20 minutes setting the professor straight as everyone silently whispers "I HATE YOU." They may be a student, but they already years ahead of the class.

Obnoxious Car Driver
Pulling out of the parking deck at the speed limit while letting pedestrians cross will not fly while the OCD is around. Loud tire screeching, reeving, horn honking, and blasted music must be occompanied at even the slowest street. They will outrace and outmaneuver vans in 20 mph zones. They will rev their engine to make sure they reach the stop sign 20 feet away fast enough. Their car is modified to maximize every scrape, screech and scratch to it's highest volumes. If it's not uneccesarily loud, they are not driving.

Business Professional who doesn't yet have a Bachelor's Degree
These scholarly fellows can be found hanging around Business Administration buildings wearing long sleeve collard shirts with ties, slacks and dress shoes sipping coffees while reading newspapers like the Wall Street Journal while awaiting their next 4000 level class to begin. They wear these clothes everyday and are known to look down on other business majors who walk in wearing sandals and board shorts. They take pride in pulling out their laptops during class to visit Yahoo Finances or other investment sites and typing in random stock symbols so that others sitting near them will have this idea that they indeed hold the knowledge of a Wall Street investor. The puzzling thing about these financial wizards is that they lack an actual bachelor's degree in business so in essence all the business attire and laptops full of financial statistics mean absolutely nothing to everyone around them.

The Not-Really Drunk Guy
This is the guy who insists on coming up to you at the party to tell you that he's drunk. He can be seen stumbling, though he forgets minutes later that he's supposed to be drunk, so he reverts back to normal behavior. He is known to ask you what your plans are solely for the purpose of telling you he is going to get hammered. The Not-Really Drunk Guy will often say things such as "Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty drunk right now" and "I'm so excited for (random party) tonight...I'm gonna drink so much!" In the rare occasions when NRDG actually drinks, only one sip will render him highly intoxicated due to his lack of actual experience.

The "Bad Ass Mother Fucker" or BAMF if you will.... LOL, sounds like peter chao titled this one
This guy believes or 'knows' he is the baddest man alive. He is soooo Country but comes from a rich sub division. He drives his snowmobile to school just so he can carry his helmet around to show just how BA he is. And he'll be wearing a combination of Carhart coat, beer drinking Skynyrd do-your-mom T-shirt. And something he owns will have Confederate flags and Calvin peeing on a Ford logo. School wise, he's a complete dumb ass and for some reason all the girls love him.



The Conjoined Couple (this is SO Whipped and Cream)
Nobody is really sure if they are dating or if they are twins, conjoined at the palm. They enroll in every class which could possibly apply to each of their degrees. They study together, cheat off of eachother's exams, and write cute little notes back and forth on the covers of one another's notebooks.
Ouside of class, they can be seen eating lunch together. Always on the same side of the table, never across, usually sharing a meal. When out and about, they will be riding matching bicycles, and if they really want to make you vomit, wearing matching helmets.
They have the same taste in music and clothes to the extent that the female will occasionally wear the male's dirty t-shirts to class so that everyone knows who slept in who's dorm room last night.

The Joiner:
The Joiner seems to be a truly amazing person except for the fact that they really don't know much of anything. The Joiner is charecterized by the fact that they hold officer posistions in at least three student organizations, this is not counting honors society or any greek organizations that they are also members of. The Joiner usually has a lot of friends which are mostly people who they have fooled into believeing their intelligence, when in reality they know little or nothing about the purpose behind the organizations they are so commited to. For example, someone who is in a GLBT Rights organization that doesn't know anything about Gay/Lesbian history or current oppressing laws. However, some assemblence of intelligence must be true to the Joiner because they usaully make very good grades, but lack basic common sense.

The Loveable Slacker:
The Loveable Slacker is usually a good student who's grades drop due to excessive partying, beer drinking, and alot of time donated to sleeping. They were probaly honor roll students in High School, but in College they excel at getting just the grade that they need for the class. If the clas requires a "C" then that is what they make. If it requires a "D" then that is what they make. They are great discussion people and have very good skills by manipulating the teacher to get the grades that they need. It usually takes them 5 years to graduate due to dropping classes every semester that they cant get the grade for, but will graduate with that bare minimum of about a 2.5 GPA. Feel Free weather you know this person or not to have a great time at their graduation party when it arrives.

The Druggie....
The druggie goes to every class baked, even if it's at 8:00. He stumbles around the campus and doesn't have a problem letting people know that he does drugs. He might come up to you in your dorm and ask you if you have any grass or X. He is also one of the funniest people you know because of the rediculous stuff he says because he is high. You can't help but love him for it. You fell like getting high with him because he makes it seem to be enjoyable. As bad as he smells like pot, he seems to have a lot of hot chicks around him and also has the scariest looking friends. Do not fear the druggie, for he is your friend and your main means of humor.

The All-Around Kid:
This kid goes to all their classes. They may not make the best grades, but then again they only apply about 50% of themselves to studying-- just enough to make a B. While they care about grades, they also care about being involved in clubs and hold officer positions in about half of them. They also often have jobs, because it is responsible to save money. And somehow, this kid STILL has time for a social life, usually seen at the hottest frat parties but only on Friday or Saturday. Oh, and did I mention that this kid is rather heavily involved in religion as well? But with any luck isn't too, for lack of a better word, Nazi about it. This kid is a good kid to know, in fact you probably DO know them. If you ever need something to do, you can be sure that this All Around Kid will be up for going with.

The Scholarship Hog
This person will receive enough scholarship money to feed a family of four for 50 years, go to school for 25 yrs, or pay for all of their closest friends education. They receive the money, which they dont need because mom and dad make $100,000+ a yr, and go out and buy unnecessary stuff while the rest of us college students who have to pay for our education ourself are screwed witht he stress of money.

Art Student
Usually only associates with other art students, because they don't have time for anything else. They constantly claim that they are doing homework or in the art building working on projects all the time, but generally you can just find them sleeping on couches in the dining hall or art building with a bottle of vodka. They are usually characterised by the paint/chalk/charcoal or whatever it is that their medium happens to be smeared all over their face and clothes. Art students as well rarely shower and change thier clothes even less. Generally good people, but usually only intermingle with D&Ds and techhies. Unless you have a deep interest in art you probobly don't want to spend an extended eriod of time with them. They all have portfolios.

Tecchie
Usually classified by plaid. These types of people are usually found at all the main music and comedian events, in the back, playing D&D next to the sound board and eating chinese food. Easilly mistaken for gamers, though the two groups intermix. Unless you can work a soundboard, or a computer more than average people can, you probobly will not understand them.

That guy/girl
They've been here for as long as you or anyone else can remeber. You've heard stories about them in classes, though you're pretty sure they aren't a student. No one is really sure how old they are, but they constantly walk around on campus like they own it and know everyone. They also eat in the dining hall and may be part of a club or two.

The College Athlete
The sweet letter jacket and glazed look of academic indifference makes this breed of college student immediatly identifiable. They come to class, only if attendance is required, and even then have a plethora of excuses involving "coaches" and "trainers" that allow them to come and go as they please. The fact that they don't pay for their education makes them utterly apathetic to learning. Who did you think was going to be sitting next to you in your "Sports Studies" class? Nope, not the intelligent sports philosopher, but the linebacker who's nickname is "Hoss" but should be "Neanderthal". Sadly enough, they cannot read or write, yet will still manage to pass every class. They take a total course load of 9 hours a semester, and at least 6 of those hours will be in their major of "Physical Education". Also, do not sit in the seat after them, or you will catch their inbred form of jock-STD.

Creepy Hug Guy
This is the guy who feels it his is job to give a hug to every semi-attractive girl on campus, regardless of whether or not they're friends or even acquaintances. Typical behaviors include: touchy-feely-ness, sniper hugging, poking; Physical features: creepy smile, bad hygeine

Three-Letter-Shirt Guy
This one goes out to those zombies known as frat boys (and hell, sorority girls as well.) These are typically characterized by the three greek letters that appear on every piece of clothing they own, and which consequently, own them. Typical behaviors include: excessive drinking, traveling in packs, holier-than-thou attitude; Physical features: combination beer-belly, fake tan and a thin crust of dietary supplement powder caked around the mouth.

Arrogant Athlete
Typically seen in football players, but applies to most sports. Usually someone who doesn't even play or is barely known, but uses excessive attitude to make up for it. Usually wears a letter jacket or some type of athletic windbreaker/track pants. Typical behaviors include: unnecessarily loud voice at ALL times, arrogant undeserved swagger, cutting in lines at campus eateries; Physical features: supposedly "impressive" muscles shown off by a lack of sleeves, 90% of the time seen with some type of crutch/icepack

Painfully 'Indie' Starving Artists
These are the people who make it a point to put you down and call you trendy if you have a shirt/sticker/poster of a band that more than 6 people (including band members) know of. If you weren't there from the time of conception (not the band's conception, the conception of the members), then you're not a real fan. Period. Typical behaviors: anything to get attention; Physical features: stupid haircuts, black t-shirts, pasty-white complexion, perma-smug expression, black marker "x" on each hand.

Wannabe-Never-Were Gangsters
You know these guys are coming when you hear a really bad, very digitized music-ringtone for more than the amount of time it would take to answer a phone. Avoid them at all costs, or risk serious brain damage. Typical behaviors: singing/rapping along to a crappy cell phone ringtone of an even crappier rap song, traveling in packs; Physical features: baggy pants (not just the average sag... I'm talking waistband at the knees, full-moon exposure here.), hat with crisp bill, sticker of authenticity (cause we all care SO MUCH that it's real) and price tag (must be worn sitting high atop the head, not snugly ON the head.)

The Brown Noser:
Also known as the kiss ass or teacher's pet. The Brown Noser can almost always be found talking to the professor for at least ten minutes before and after class. Do not mistake the Brown Noser for someone who cares about the course. In fact his/her only perogative for taking said course is to get in good with the professor. Be on the lookout for obsure, barely relatable references to the course material. This is usually a ploy to impress the professor, whom the BN will probably refer as "Dr." whether they have a doctorate or not.

The Coaster:
This person has the intellectual ability to have 100%+ but decides to coast through the course with a 85%. After their marks are given they will complain about how low it is even though their mark was like 20% higher than yours. Most reactions towards these people is to kill them because of their incanny ability to answer every question and to pass every exam without studying and barely reading the text book or listening in class. Assignments are usually done last minute, yet their mark is still higher than yours. The Coaster will either brag about their marks or do the complete opposite by hiding their marks. They appear in every class.
List found here :).
A brief summary of 99% of the people you will ever meet in college

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