I am feeling like a pile of shit at the moment. Oh, my god. If there was any moment where I ever considered using or saying the idiom 'dig a hole and crawl into it', it would be now.
Nothing major even happened, even I realise (in my current state) that I'm blowing shit way out of proportion. It started with some fucking cockroach that crawled up my wall and refused to show itself after I told my mum and she went to catch it, I mean that one fucking ninja turt - um, cockroach, because my mum is fucking ninja at catching cockroaches. Then I felt so laden with work when Belle signed offline and I basically spent a night doing a presentation by myself and it isn't even worth anything. It's 12.33 now and I haven't even completed my Bio homework or filled out the blank spaces in the workbook because I've just .. I'm just so disorganised, and I got moved for the first time today for the whole school year and it didn't feel good. Now Mr. Cantor thinks me and Denga have it Going Awn or something like that because I got moved when Qin and I were talking to Denga who turned around to answer our question, then Qin passed a note from Denga down to me and Mr. Cantor saw Denga pass me the note so he OBVIOUSLY thinks something is going on. It was funny for a while but I shit you not tears were coming out of my eyes five minutes ago because of this goddamn PMS.
I feel so inadequate. I am not asking for anyone to tell me what to do to be adequate or to lecture me or kick me in the ass like William♥ so kindly did tonight (well. Last night - thankyou darling, Heaven knows I needed it), but I am asking for you guys to read this and accept my feelings while I rant in the heat of the moment. Although I will probably like delete this post later and go red with embarrassment every single time it is mentioned.
School feels like a race, feels like the 1.6K Run or the Beep Test or Cross Country or something. I am always falling behind, always coming last out of everyone, always pretending not to care. (PE sucks anyway.) You always start out running the same pace with the long-distance motherfuckers but after about 15 seconds it's clear to see who are the fatasses and who are, like, the Cathy Freeman's.
I'm trying to hard not to be the fatass (HA.) right now but it ain't working (HA). I think this is a shock more than anything else that I need to pick up my game and lose some fucking weight (both literally and metaphorically) or something to even have a chance with everyone else. WILLIAM said to me he was going to bed like ten minutes ago and I was so shocked.
Everything everyone's been saying to me for the last three years was right. And now all I'm left with is this piece of shit feeling which arises while I have my goddamn PMS so I can't think properly and I have to spew it all out on this page where anyone can read anything.
Mr. Wylie did a speech today about internet, and how posting things on Facebook is like saying it to the whole world. I really really really need to be more careful about the people who can access my things.. As you guys may realise, I'm um, pretty opinionated.. I think I might change my Facebook settings, because that really is creepy. I have never thought about the Internet as a particularly scary place but it feels like a screen has been lifted now and I can see everything..
What I also see in my near distant future is a shower and a bed and hopefully no more cockroaches and annoying people asking annoying question. (Obviously NOT referring to my formspring, sigh. :'()
I'd like to sleep forever. Holding William's hand and never have to think about anything else. But that's just dumb. I need to get my head out of the fucking clouds, now more than ever.